GREYEYEDSKY

The woman I love is taking 9 months of her life to hike the Pacific Crest Trail, then bike back from Seattle to Orange County. She will travel 4,000+ miles under her own motive power, for a reason I don’t think either of us can explain. She is going to shave her head, and walk until she crosses the entire United States or collapses trying. It’s so important, but not for me. I can do nothing, but keep on my path and leave space for.

We own a condo together where she has been living for the last year and a half, since I betrayed her trust and destroyed what was left of the terrified limping animal our relationship was. The only part I don’t regret is putting it out of its misery, but I regret most my inability to raise what could have been out of the ashes and build upon what we had in a real, authentic and honest way.

I wish I would have been brave and vulnerable enough to whisper my truth as loud as her buzzcut. It will tell all she is new and clean and ready for whatever comes next. She is leaving behind all that she knew of herself and embracing the next phase of her life.

I still hope her next next phase is me. A different me, and an us with new, clean, honest and genuine. I know it won’t be, but I know the way I feel about her, and that I will miss her, her hair, the way she rebuffs my attention, and gets frustrated at my dense denial of all the evidence pointing to the fact that she will never want to be with me, in any way, ever again.

I bend over backwards to support her, to make it easy for her to explore the world. To make sure she gets what is fair on our investments and is set up to live a good life, no matter what choices she makes.

How far is too far? How long is too long?

I need to hold space for her to move back in, so Ill physically hold a space for her, and keep on my long path to accepting what it is I really want and need.